Today I woke up with a heavy heart wishing I'm sharing you my recent adventure in Hongkong but here I am doing otehrwise. I’m afraid of life.

Life is been good to me for long now, this is the thing most people see. Who would have thought that a girl staying at home with SOMEHOW a fulfilling career (as they thought) is experiencing a heavy life? Many would want to be in my position. Many claimed I am free from stress; the stress of traffic and waking up early just not to be late, stress to the employer and concerns with work-colleagues and more, with these, they imagined I am completely happy. They believed I’m stress-free and living a toxic-free life. Who would have considered that the safest haven, HOME, is sometimes the place of pain? No one sees how I pressure my self-everyday just to get what I have. No person knows how I strive hard to laugh with the pain, fear, doubt and other things in my hearts. No one knows the pages I follow on social media just to get a post of daily encouragement to continue living. Little did they know, I’m afraid that material things would end up having worth more than me. I’m afraid of life.

It is one of my greatest dreams to inspire, to be a GREAT GREAT GREAT inspirational speaker. But now I’m asking myself how can I fulfill a dream in a world where I can’t find my self. Yes, I’m lost. I don’t even know my self now. I can’t find my purpose. I’m living in pain secretly and no one has figured it out because they see me laugh but never cry. No one sees the dark picture of my life. I’m afraid of life.

Right now I’m on my headset listening and singing a song with my computer pouring my self out. But no one knows this. Not even a single person knows what I’m writing now. No one knows I’m telling a dark side of my life (only me knows) to who may ever read this. They see me breathing but didn't know I’m dying, slowly dying inside. The pain and fear I’m holding for too long are slowly eating me up AGAIN. These are making me doubt my worth. They are killing my reasons to live. I’m afraid to continue living. I’m fed up trying to be perfect because no matter what I do, I am judged. I’m afraid to make mistake. I’m afraid of life.

Some of you might judge me for posting this. I know there are people whose a life worst than mine, whose facing problems bigger than mine. But just this time, just now I want to give this to myself. I didn’t write this for no reason. I didn’t write just to let you know what I’m going through. Not to share you my problems nor to gain pity and attention. I just want to raise awareness that each of us has a dark path to go through. Each of us is been challenging by life. As much as we can, let us help each other. Encourage each other and support one another. We may be having a different journey, but we are living the same life. 

Please do something good today. Give your best smile to someone, you don't know how much they need it. Throw your weirdest joke, someone might be longing for a laugh. Spill out your greatest dream, one might be needing this to get inspired. Inspire as much as you can.

This post is not for my blog to get traffic, not even sure if someone is really visiting my blog. Just this time, I want to be me. A normal person taking responsibility for everything written here. I am in fear of judgment right this moment, but I just want to express, I just want to share. What you’ve read here is not the whole me, it is only a portion of me, just please take note of this. Btw, I don’t need pity, just a word of encouragement and twenty cups of COFFE (lol) to win my life.

I also want to share that while I woke up with a pain in my chest, someone sent me some words from God. I know it is HIM, I praise HIM for sending someone to make me realized that He is just around. I don’t need to die just to see and be with HIM, I only need to look down my heart, He is here. I need to hold on to this because He knows Who I Am. Justt now, please let me be who I Am and what I feel.

Please tune up as I'll be writing my lookbook in HongKong soon. Very soon....